Yes, the default language on my FB is Pirate. It looks weird to me any other way.
I want to talk about something actually serious today, and I’m going to try to be calm and respectful about it, even though my initial reaction was, “Screw you, Commenter Number 3!” Except the word wasn’t screw, if you get my meaning.
My two-and-a-third-year-old is sleeping as I type this. I have lots of other things to do: phone calls to make, bills to pay, maybe grabbing a shower, and then if there’s any time and energy leftover, actually writing or arting. Odds are good, he’ll sleep just long enough for me to type something, maybe get a shower, and then wake up while I’m towelling off my hair. Then he’ll be awake again, and he’ll need a snack, and he’ll need to be kept from throwing things at the cats, and he’ll need, and he’ll need, and he’ll need….
I understand that motherhood is a blessing (to quote a friend, “it’s a fact I have memorized”), and that good parenting is important, and that family is important, and good relationships are important, and so on and so forth. The problem I have with commenters 1 and 3 above (I’m commenter number 2, and I never get enough sleep) is that they are (deliberately or not; I’m sure they’re very nice people) poo-pooing with platitudes a very real problem.
Maybe I’m a terrible mother. (Most days, I’m convinced of it.) But sacrificing my personal goals and ambitions on the “altar of self” (or rather, the altar of catering to a tiny selfish person’s every need) doesn’t make me feel saintly; it makes me frustrated and pissed. I legitimately have goals for my life beyond my progeny, goals for my art, and it is ridiculous a.) to say that once you’re a mommy that’s all you are and can ever be, world without end amen and b.) to make me feel like crap for wanting to be a person, whole and entire, and not just mommy.
My friend asked a real question. She did it with a smiley face, because she is a wonderful, sweet, kind, smiley person. But the question–HOW?!–is legit, and deserves a legitimate response, not some Pollyanna bullshit. (Sorry, I said I was going to stay calm about this, and it’s not happening.) This is the short end of the stick, and you’re gonna like it anyway, helps no one. Plus, you are not doing your children any favors by sacrificing everything up to and including the things that help to fulfill your soul. Unless you genuinely are a saint (I’m not, God knows), it will only make you bitter, frustrated, angry and resentful. I am speaking from personal experience here.
So let’s engage this question: How does one pursue a career (in art or anything) while raising children? Does one pursue a career while raising children? Or is one S.O.L.?
If one is not S.O.L., how does one manage? What if daycare or hiring a nanny are not options? (They aren’t for me, and many others I know.) There’s only so long one can go short on sleep–and only so long going short on sleep is effective. After a while, you’re too tired at night to work, and too tired during the day to deal with the demands of motherhood.
I don’t know. I don’t have an answer, and I wish I did. I’d apply it to my own life and share it with all my friends. I just know, I’m tired all the time (and prickly too!), and I find it insulting to the genuine pain and frustration of the would-be working-artist-mother to say, “Buck up, you! Children are more important than your selfish ambitions, anyway!”
So how DOES one pursue a career while raising children? By not sleeping, not seeing your child enough, and being a magician of time management, yes. But also by cutting yourself some slack, having realistic expectations of what you can accomplish in any given period of time (maybe it will take me five years to write a short story instead of five weeks, and that’s okay), and by doing your absolute best to make the most of every moment, whether that moment involves cleaning poo out of your child’s hair, or whether that moment involves finally getting ten minutes to record that last bit of inspiration you had while putting the baby’s dinner through the food processor earlier in the night. It’s all about attitude as far as I can tell, and as far as I can tell, that may be the hardest part!
That’s wisdom, right there. Realistic wisdom, rather than the platitude kind. Patience seems to be one of the keys … you’re right about it being hard!
I think we don’t like to say all this aloud in case we appear to be disloyal to our kids, but we give up so much when we become mothers. Its great but it is the PITS sometimes too. I think my problem was having too many children!! Ah well the light is beginning to shine at the end of my tunnel. I can now sleep at night and partake in alcohol!
You’re exactly right, I think; there’s this whole culture of extreme judginess around parenthood and motherhood especially, and if you dare complain you’re automatically a “bad mom.” I wish there could be more conversations that honestly acknowledge the difficulties we run into, without anyone assuming that “it’s hard” equals “I hate my kids.”
Congrats on the booze! Um … that maybe came out wrong.
slurp…. no it came our just right. No political correctness!
I agree with Anna, so very, very much. Having been a working mommy for 7 years of Z’s life (up until we started homeschooling! Talk about whiplash!) with a child in daycare for 6 of those (the last year I worked part time and was able to pick him up from school) I think I have a little perspective as well. And I am a BIG believer in the “seasons of life” concept.
I think there are times when mommyhood simply has to take first chair. In those times, it’s exactly like Anna says – you must adjust your expectations (unless you are one of those lucky people who only needs to sleep 3 hours a night. They exist, but I am NOT one of them.) You have to make a *conscious* decision about what is a realistic amount of work to do a week. How clean does your house *need* to be. Is this the season to do things in a “better but more time intensive way” or is it time to do somethings less well, but more conveniently (cooking in my case)? It takes a lot of thought (agonizing thought – and prayer!) to set realistic parameters.
I have worked through this with another young mother – who now has a 10 year old. :0) I remember her *weeping* when Mak was a baby – “I just need my life to go back to *normal*!” And I had to tell her, “My darlin’, welcome to the new normal.”
Life is never the same again after children. And it changes from year to year, or month to month, or day to day within that change. While you are in this season of intense mothering, it is important to be realistic with how much is actually accomplishable (that’s not a word, but it should be) within your limited budget of time and money. How many commissions? How many card sets? How much time on your writing? How much time on honing your art.
You want to create *all the time*, because it is born in you and it is your gift. And it will always be a part of you. You must come to terms, inwardly, with the temporary restrictions of these early years, with the knowledge that time will come, sooner than it seems at the moment, when it becomes easier. V will be in school. You will have more time. It will be a different season.
Understand I am not saying to do NOTHING. V doesn’t need that from you. But you cannot, simply cannot, set yourself unrealistic goals and beat yourself up for not meeting them.
God willing, life is long. What seems like FOREVER now is really not. You cannot see that, because you’re in the middle of the battle. I couldn’t see it back in the day. But now I am at the other end and I see how much changed how fast. It does, my sweet girl, it truly does.
Patience is difficult and the virtue I have the least amount of – well, except for maybe mercy! It becomes easier with a realistic assessment of what is actually *possible*, rather than what is longer for.
I didn’t mean to highjack your post! Free advice from me is generally worth what you pay for it! :0)
You know I love you, Terry–and your advice! You’re truthin’ hard when you say it changes from day to day; each paradigm shift comes without warning and kicks my ass up, down and sideways. I read an article saying that studies suggest younger parents have an easier time adjusting to parenthood; no kidding! I’m crotchety and set in my ways, and it’s hard, so so so hard, to be continually making adjustments when I just want to get into a nice steady rhythm.
I think it is so important to pursue your own goals outside of motherhood – one of the very reasons I started a blog myself. I love my children. I love being a mother. BUT, I was not completely fulfilled. I needed something more and that is okay. So, keep on trucking and let me know if you find an answer to your question.
My Mister reminded me how important it is to be whole people for our children–for our own sanity’s sake, and for a good example to the kiddos. If I ever figure out how to strike that balance I promise I’ll share!
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